Now this is a text, a poem, my feelings poured onto a sheet of paper. This is something I had to say and maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t. If you don’t like it, that’s ok. If you do, even better. I am just going to be brutally honest about my feelings at the moment.
This is me, the person behind this blog and I am just another human!
Here it goes:
It’s ok to cry!
It’s ok to cry.
Hell yes you are allowed to feel like crap sometimes!
And you are not responsible for keeping everybody else happy when for you just a world collapsed.
Because I am sick and tired of pretending to be strong all the times, again and again, when I am not really.
My life just collapsed around me a couple of months ago.
And yes I know how dare I complain about these things, while other people starve. I know there are so many people out there who have a much harder life.
But a person has to be allowed to feel like shit sometimes, to not put on a fake smile and to openly say: I am scared, I am lost and I really just want to curl up into a ball right now and cry.
Because it helps me. And this is about me.
It’s not about you trying to help and then feeling helpless because I won’t let you.
I can’t let you, because it isn’t about you. It’s my problem and it’s my choice to open up and what to do next is also my choice, because I have to deal with it.
I have to feel it.
I just need to know that you will be there when I am ready. But gosh at the moment I am not ready.
I feel like somebody pulled out the carpet under my legs, smashed me face first into the ground and took a good kick at my
dreams for good measure.
I had dislocated my arm.
But it happened because my kneecap jumped out, while doing Kungfu. While doing what I love so much and now I am to scared to even do it slow, because it feels like I am standing on a sinking ship, with my own body acting as the waves trying to drown me.
My own body is betraying me again. First months of migraines, then the knee and now even a freaking dislocated elbow.
Never felt a pain like that and hell I screamed, loud and a lot, because I broke my arm before, gosh that was nothing but
a freaking tickle compared to this.
It will take weeks to heal and gives me weeks to ask myself.
What is it?
Is it simply another test on my path to test if I am willing to push to my limits for my dream or is it my body telling be to please, finally stop. Stop because it isn’t meant to be, stop because it you can’t do it. Your crippled knees and twisted hip has beaten you do the ground.
Everybody was right, you will never be an athlete or any good at it, no matter how much you want it.
Stop already you can’t do it.
And I am sitting at my bed, my head covered under the sheets and I cry.
I cry because I don’t know what to do next, I cry because I am so tired of constantly fighting, I cry because it feels like I am losing in life. I cry and I have every freaking right to do so.
I will decide to get up tomorrow, but I have a right to feel what I feel and not to be forced to pretend.
Because no I am not ok.
I am lost and I am scared to do what I love, because I never know when my body decided to break down over me again, like a wave over the sinking ship.